dear family…

I’ve been meaning to write this one for so long that I almost can’t write it anymore. I lie awake at night going over and over what I want to say. I think my recent reading of the new book ‘Children and teenagers with aspergers:the journey of parenting from birth to teens‘ has really made me re-focus on my need to do this.

It presents real experiences of a range of families, all who recount the immense struggle of being a parent to a child or young person with a diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome. Why is it important to read this book?

Well I think it is very easy to fall into the trap of only presenting the best of our children to the world. I am guilty of this because I want people to see his gifts and his strengths, his beauty and his unusual window on the world. I want people to love him enough to help protect him from the harsh cruelties that exist in our society for anyone who presents in a non-neurotypical way. If you don’t know what I mean then go back a couple of years in this blog – you’ll soon get the picture.

In fact the stories in this book also present a catalogue of failures from the various professional systems that are meant to support our children’s wellbeing, health and education. But these stories also recount some of the huge difficulties that present a parent of someone on the autistic spectrum. Of course no one person with a diagnosis of AS will present in the same way as another. What is really evident from the stories are the number of times people deny that there could be anything ‘wrong’ with these young people other than bad parenting, lack of discipline and the old favourite ‘not enough boundaries’. Anyone who has had to engage at any level with any of the support services that are supposed to help us will have had these accusations many times.

Many of us don’t have to look further than our own families and friends to experience these accusations. At least three people in our very immediate families do not believe that our son has AS. They find it difficult to see how such a very bright child could not be anything other than manipulative and oppositional.

What is really distressing about this is the absolute denial of our whole life (because having AS in the family does affect your whole life). So these people have no concept of what our daily lives are really like. They only see us when we have made significant planning efforts and taken damage limitation actions to reduce situations that will trigger autistic meltdowns. If they do witness one due to uncontrollable circumstances such as sensory overload, verbal ambiguity or a myriad of other triggers they label it as a tantrum.

I remember my son cowering in the corner of a corridoor surrounded by family members talking really loudly. He was very distressed and covering his head due to sensory overload but couldn’t get away because none of the would move. When I tried to explain and asked them to move a close family member said ‘ oh he’s just having another tantrum’. This enraged me. Why can’t you bring yourself to believe me/us. I have reached the point now where I feel like saying ‘OK – well you take your small and narrow minds elsewhere – we haven’t got the energy to deal with you’

I’ll go away and focus on the things that really need my energy, such as when my son can’t sleep because he thinks about death all the time, or when he is self harming because he hates himself and what he does so much, or when he can’t control the meltdowns and becomes abusive or violent. You don’t see all this and you don’t help…

And that hurts quite alot.

To go back to the reason for this post – it is not easy to say those things about my wonderful son. I do sometimes feel incredibly lonely, tired and helpless. But if I spend my life hiding them then I am denying our lives in a similar way that you do. Well excuse me – but this is our life…

Get used to it or clear off…

A recent BBC documentary also highlights these issues and include a couple of families with children with autism who display violent responses – available to watch for a limited time only ‘When a mother’s love is not enough‘. It looks at how easy it is to lose control and harm the child you love, through exhaustion, sheer loneliness and frustration. It also highlights the ridiculous and failing support system that the state offers to parents of disabled children.

By |November 10th, 2009|autism|6 Comments


  1. Anonymous November 17, 2009 at 1:34 am - Reply

    >hi lou
    i know you and tim are loving, encouraging and terrific parents to L. You are a perfect fit for each other. I am sure there are times that are difficult but you never lose sight of the fact that he is a wonderful fantastic boy (i guess young man now)and that you are very proud of him as you should be.
    He is a special, beautiful boy and to those who say different or that don't take the time to understand or make an effort to learn about AS need to be cut loose. Personally I just don't think they are worth the time of day.
    I have often thought of your family and L and wondered and wished I knew how you were doing.
    I miss the days when I could go to flickr and see his beautiful face and read about his life and happenings.
    Know that I have always wished only the best for him and would love to hear how he has been doing lately.
    Last i remember he was to start home schooling and was becoming quite a good little photographer….so much so that he could give you a run for your money

  2. Lou November 17, 2009 at 8:13 am - Reply

    >Thanks for the comment- L is not so happy for me to photograph him at the moment.

    Of course I will never lose sight of the fabulousness of my son. He still amazes me daily and his photography continues to improve. he got his first film camera recently so is experimenting with that.

    He is 13 next week and struggling with that a bit. he has had his hair cut off (major action) and I will do a special brithday update on the blog soon.

    Home eduication works brilliantly for him and losing the stress of surviving school has helped to keep us all sane…

    so we are still celebrating the gifts that Aspergers brings too..

  3. Joker the Lurcher November 21, 2009 at 6:34 pm - Reply

    >i haven't been reading many blogs lately as i have been madly busy. yours was the first i read and i so relate to what you say. we have basically decided that people who don't accept us as we are are just toxic to us and need not to be a very big part of our life. things are much better for us than they were recently – my son has settled into college and is really enjoying it. he is growing into a lovely young man – i bet laurie is too. its just the rest of the world that is the problem…

  4. James Kennedy December 28, 2009 at 12:33 pm - Reply

    >Hi Lou

    I came across your blog in a random fashion and it was just like reading a biography of my life. My wife and I have an eleven year old son with AS and we are just as inspired by all the positive reasons to love him as you seem to be. And we are just as frustrated by the various professional agencies that constantly let him down. Some days it feels like going to war for him, it's great to know there are others out there who experience the same challenges each day. I'll keep returning here for inspiration.

  5. Lou January 2, 2010 at 12:43 pm - Reply

    >thanks for your comments James. i'm sure you would find the book mentioned in this post useful, although sometimes a bit harrowing.

    good luck to you and your family in fighting the fight and still managing to enjoy your lives together…

  6. In hindsight | loumcgill November 15, 2010 at 5:43 pm - Reply

    […] have posted before about how little people understand in the Dear Family post. People don’t know what it’s like because often when they see you and your child […]

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